I Love You More

I'm not quite sure where to begin. It's difficult to adequately express emotions there are simply no words for. I have been told all my life that having a child "changes your life forever". I guess there was no possible way I could quite understand that until I brought my own teeny tiny soul into this earthly sojourn.

January 3, 2014: I went for a run in St. George, Utah. My family had been there for several days and every morning and night I said the same prayer, "Heavenly Father. Please help this baby to wait until we get home." Everyone told me I was fine. The baby's due date was still 2.5 weeks away. But I kept getting this sense that she was coming sooner. I hiked with Jordan out in the desert with my little belly. We talked about how we couldn't believe she was almost here. At the same time, pregnancy days are like microwave minutes--eternal--so it seemed like she should have been with us ages ago. We headed back to Bountiful that evening.

January 4, 2014: I went for a run at Bountiful High. My Father-in-law asked me if I was feeling anything different. I told him my lower back was aching a bit more than usual. He told me it was normal. I didn't think it was but I kept that to myself. I sang at my cousin's baptism, went to dinner that night with some friends. I wasn't expecting that to be my last day of this life without a child in my arms. I cleaned out my closet that night (in preparation to get all cleaned up before the baby arrived--ha!), and went to bed that Saturday night around 1:30 am, exhausted. Just as I'm drifting off to sleep, I have the thought, "That would be funny if my water broke tonight."

January 5, 2014 at 6:45 am: Laying in bed, Sunday morning. Jordan and I were so excited that our church had finally switched from nine to the one o'clock schedule. I'm fast asleep. All of a sudden, I thought I might have wet the bed. I was so exhausted and tired that it didn't quite wake me out of my sleep. Moments later, my mind finally becomes alert and I kind of hop/run to the bathroom (the best that a 9 month pregnant lady can) with the immediate realization that my water had broken. First thought, "WOOOHOOOO!! I DON'T HAVE TO BE PREGNANT ANYMORE!!!"

I run to the bedroom, flip on the light and say to Jordan, "Jord...I think my water broke." He raises from the dead with a complete look of confusion, but sudden awareness and tells me to go ask my mom if it's for real. I go ask my mom, who calmly tells me that yes, my water has broken and then asks me if I'd had any contractions. I hesitated and said, "I don't think so?" She smiled and said, "Don't worry, you would know. Go ahead and shower and get your bag. Either way this baby is going to be here in the next 24 hours."

I couldn't stop smiling! I squealed and headed down to the shower. I washed my hair, blow dried it, and started curling it. Meanwhile, Jordan is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, asking me what we need to take. Of course, I had written the packing list of what we needed to take the hospital,  but of course, I had left it at work, not thinking I'd need it this weekend (Does anyone ever actually get their bags packed and have that work out??) I was so excited I could hardly think straight. Jordan is the most patient person I've EVER met. As he watched me applying my make up, he walked in and kindly said, "Ash. Umm, your water broke, like an hour ago. Don't you think we need to get to the hospital?" He never pushes me or acts like it's inconvenient when I am late-- In fact, he has never said a word to me or acted upset. This was no different. I laughed and told him I hadn't had any contractions yet, so we were good--besides, I was just about done. Just as I finished getting ready, I had my first contraction, and obviously felt a bit more motivated to get my little behind to the hospital. So we jumped in the car--8:15 am.

8:45 am: Got to LDS hospital, and as I walked in to the front desk, there was no one there. Huh. I see a call button on the wall. I hit it and a lady answers, "How can I help you?" I kind of stutter around, "Hi, um, I'm not really sure where to go?..." Jordan jumps in, "Her water broke." The nurses immediately opens the secured doors and let me through. Thank goodness for a level headed hubby! I'm back in my room within a minute.

The nurse runs a litmus test (how's that for sounding all technical? I'm not even sure that's exactly what it really is!) Basically, she was checking to see if my water actually broke, and it definitely had. She told me I could go walk around the hallways for a half hour with Jordan and then decide how I was feeling about the epidural. Don't worry, I'm not one to go all natural--there was no way in heck I was having this baby without one (bless your soul if you did.)

We went and strolled the hallways--strolling is a generous word--but anyways--I hobbled through contractions while holding Jordan's arm and I called my mom. I was giving her updates and telling her what we actually needed now that my brain was a little more focused--like, oh ya know, an outfit for my baby to come home in and oh, hello, a car seat?? Ya. I'm an idiot. First time mom right here! My mom was so gracious and helpful, as always. Jordan and I kept saying to each other, "Is this real? This is really happening."

10 am: Epidural, please. Not to stereotype, but isn't it kind of common knowledge that your anesthesiologist is going to be a stiff? So he starts giving me the Epidural and since he wasn't telling me that I was doing good, I said out loud as I was bent in half, "I am awesome!" He kind of laughed and my nurse held my hand while Jordan did too. Really, it was not that bad and the contraction pain went away so I was thinking that this was definitely Heaven's gift to earth.

In terms of an eventful birth story, this definitely wasn't like the movies. No drama, no screaming. It was seriously so calm and peaceful, My family came in and checked in on us. My dad and Jordan gave me a sweet blessing. Jordan and I talked a bit and even got to rest our eyes. I was progressing fine, dilated to about a 5. Jordan and I looked at each other and couldn't help but smile. We couldn't believe it, our last hours in the eternities without our own little one. So surreal.

3:30 pm: I wasn't progressing as fast as the doctor would like. The nurse tells me, "I think if we just gave you a whiff of the Pitocin, you're baby will be right here." Sure enough, she came back an hour later with the doctor and checked me, "Well, you ready to have this baby??" The doctor asked. "I felt my heart leap into my throat, "What?!" "You're at a 10 dear. You are ready to start pushing." I asked her if I could call my mom. She kind of smiled and paused, "Yes.." She said inquisitively. "Were you wanting her here?" I kind of paused, "No not exactly, I guess I just wanted her in the hospital." It was just a natural reaction I guess, the words had just flown out of my mouth. My mom had always been by my side through everything. I called her, she was just getting on the freeway from Bountiful--about 15 minutes away. I asked her if I should try and wait for her, "Are you kidding?! Get going and I'll be there as fast as I can!"

The doctor got Jordan and the nurse set up to hold my legs. I pushed for about 45 minutes. With just a few minutes to go, my mom had arrived and was waiting outside the curtain. Jordan and I had initially thought we would have it be just us. Jordan was so supportive and kept patting my leg (not that I could feel the patting, since my legs were completely numb...but it's the thought that counts). I felt like I was pushing my hardest, the doctor told me I needed to give it a bit more. So I did. Then, my doctor said, if you'd like to have pictures, we're just about there. Jordan and I looked at each other, and he asked me if I'd like to have my mom come in. I looked into his eyes for a moment, trying to assess how he felt, and could see he was genuinely content with whatever I wanted. I called my mom to my side. Jordan excitedly called out, "Ash! She has hair!" The look on his face through the whole process was utter amazement. He would squeeze my hand in between contractions/pushing. My mom cheered me on, "That's a girl! You've got this!" She was stroking my hair and looked at me with such love and understanding, I couldn't help but feel a bit emotional.

In an instant, I felt my baby girl rush out of me. Her little spirit had officially arrived.

5:55 pm: Skye Kamdyn Maxwell was born. I breathed deeply and I heard her cry. Jordan cut the cord and tears streamed down my face. I had never felt so exhausted/happy/relieved in my entire life. They wiped off Skye, weighed her: 6 pounds, 4 ounces. The doctor put her on my chest for "skin to skin". I was holding MY little girl. I immediately was counting, 10 toes, 10 fingers--everything was happy and healthy. My heart was so relieved. After having a little sister who had open heart surgery within the first 48 hours of her life, I constantly felt on edge my entire pregnancy. But here was my baby girl, perfect as perfect could be.

Both of Jordan and I's immediate family came to welcome our little one into the world. I kept surveying the room and staring at Skye. Surreal. It all seemed surreal.

When Jordan and I were left alone later that evening, just the 3 of us, I held Skye on my chest. I was completely exhausted. She lifted up her little head and looked at me. I knew that she knew me. My heart physically ached as it tried to accommodate the exponential room that was required to hold my tiny Skye. I realized in that moment how much I loved her, and it scared me. I'd never loved a human being the way I loved Skye. I knew instantly that I would die for her and would be honored to do so.

I watched Jordan become a father. I've never felt such love for him in my entire life. I realized that as much as I loved him the day we were married, it drastically paled in comparison to the love I felt for him now. I had a flood of memories rush through my mind. We've known each other since we were 13 and been best friends since high school. Never in a million years could I have anticipated such a perfect moment with my best friend and love of my life.

I can't really remember life before Skye. She is Jordan and I's world..our perfect little world. Of course we are tired. I've heard Jordan make up the funniest lullabies at 2 am. Lullabies that make me fall even more in love with his goofy self. Every bit of exhaustion is more than worth it. I will never regret the time I spend holding her, feeding her and watching her experience every piece of life for the first time.

How can you adequately describe bringing your own tiny soul into the world? That moment that changes you instantaneously..and forever? When my parents told me that they loved me more, I never knew how wrong I was when I told them I loved them just the same. Skye Kamdyn Maxwell, I will forever love you more than you can possibly comprehend. Thank you for making me not just a mother, but YOUR mother.