I have a million things running through my mind, but obviously first and foremost the thing that I wake up thinking everyday now is, "There is a little, tiny person inside of me."
When I first got married, I didn't even think about having kids. Not that I didn't want children, it just seemed really far off I guess. I've always wanted at least 5 to even 7 children. I figured I'd wait till later when it "felt right".
In November of last year, I felt like I should make sure my insurance was in order--specifically for a little one. This came as a surprise to me, but I checked and made sure it was. Conveniently, there was nothing that I needed to do.
Over the course of the next few months, I felt like every place Jordan and I went, we always sat by tiny babies or small children--children who would take great interest in me, playing with my hair and jewelry-- almost like Heaven was trying to drop me a hint.
Through several months and different experiences, I was gently led me to know that the timing was right, but mostly what fell into place was a sincere desire and feeling that some little one was waiting to come join Jordan and I's little family. I approached Jordan, not knowing how he'd respond since in earlier conversations he'd said to me kindly, "I think I'll just know when it's right."
We were talking in our room and I started rambling a million miles an hour, trying to kind of hint at the fact that maybe I was ready to have kids, and that I felt like everything was pointing to it and that I actually wanted one. Before I could even finish my blur of thoughts, he was smiling and quickly grabbed me mid-sentence and kissed me. He pulled away and then said, "Yes!" I said, "Yes, what?!" "Yes, I feel the same way! Let's have a baby!"
I squealed and laughed and cried all at the same time. It was kind of an overwhelmingly happy/surreal/crazy/exciting/scary/amazing thought of bringing a child into the world. But, we undoubtedly felt it was right.
So, that month, we got pregnant! I was so impatient and would start testing way too soon. Jordan could always tell when I would hop out of bed in the morning and come back in looking disappointed--even though we both knew it was too early to tell.
But one morning, I woke up at 6 am, wide awake and I knew it was the day. I grabbed my little stick and headed into the bathroom. As the test took its two minutes to "process" I had to cover it up and crouch down on the ground so I wouldn't pass out from all the nerves. I then uncovered the the digital test and saw the perfect word, "PREGNANT".
I looked at myself in the mirror and gasped out loud. I covered my mouth in shock and started to cry tears of joy like I had never felt before. I knelt down right there and tried to choke out a prayer of gratitude, but I couldn't find the words.
I ran to tell Jordan. I thought I would try to tell him in some cute way--so I paced outside our bedroom door. After about the longest 30 seconds of my life, I thought, "Oh bag it! I just want to tell him! I don't care if it's cute!"
So I came into our dark room, and flipped on the lights, he came to, slightly startled. I jumped on him and held the test in front of his face and squealed, "We're pregnant!" His eyes got huge and as excited as he could muster at 6:15 in the morning, he said, "Oh WOW!!! We sure are!!!"
So in a quick whirlwind, I got a blood test from the doctor to confirm the pregnancy and Jordan and I got pictures to announce it the next day (Thank you M.K. Nash Photography for working with us!) I was set on announcing it to my family that Sunday since it was Mother's Day.
At the doctor's office
I was so nervous to tell my family! It was kind of comical. My heart rate was probably double and my stomach was doing backflips.
I made a scrapbook for my mom and gave it to her as a gift. She opened it in front of my family and did her typical mom comment, "Oh this is cute, Ash." All it said was Maxwell on the front. I told her it was for pictures of Jordan and I (haha--not that she doesn't love me, but I don't know what she would do with a bunch of pictures of the two of us.)
My Mom's Mother's day card before her gift--It was as big as her!
But inside there was a poem, and I told my mom to read it out loud. She started reading it, it was kind of cheesy. But one of the lines talked about standing in awe of my mom, as I'm now a mommy to be. She looked up at me in shock and said, "Wait, are you??" I smiled and told her to keep reading. The last line said something like, "And here is our plan, to make you not just great, but absolutely grand!"
She caught on right then and screamed. Savanah had to hold on to our couch she was standing next to so she wouldn't collapse with excitement. Elise ran over to me squealing, crying and laughing all at the same time. My dad had big tears in his eyes. My brothers were stunned to silence (a rare occasion). It was such a surreal moment.
My Cute Daddy, such a tender heart (but one tough cookie--he doesn't let on too easily :) )
So, from that day on, baby Maxwell has been known in the Van Wagoner house as "Popcorn".
Mother's day, after telling everyone..this picture was secretly 4 generations
Telling Jordan's family was so much fun! Nora's (Jordan's mom) reaction was classic. His family has been anxious for us to get another grandbaby here--so they were more than excited.
Cute Paige and Mechale--Missing Erin! Thank goodness for Skype!
This last week, we got to hear our baby's heartbeat for the very first time. Such an indescribable experience. Everyday, this becomes a little bit more real. Usually I dread winter (not a fan of the cold and snow in January/February/March/April) but this year, I couldn't be more excited for January!
Jordan and Sav at the "heart beat" appointment
Me, hearing the heartbeat for the first time. So unbelievably cool!
I look at Jordan sometimes and think, "I can't believe we are going to be parents together!" Being husband and wife is incredible, so I can only imagine what it will feel like to be a mommy and daddy together.
God really is so good.
Ps. As a side note, I know of a lot of amazing women who have struggled to have children, for one reason or another. I told my mom that I almost felt guilty because of how easy it was this time for Jordan and I to get pregnant. Although I don't know why things happen sometimes, or why the timing doesn't always work out just how we had planned, I do know that there is a master plan for each and everyone of us. I also told my mom that it would be a lot easier to go through things if I just knew why! She smiled and said, "Ya, that kind of eliminates that whole faith thing then...which is why we are here." Mom's always know just what to say :).
In my scripture reading this morning, I came across this verse in Ether 12: 4, which I absolutely love, "Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."
I love that. Faith really is our anchor in this life. So don't you ever give up!
